Frodo and Sam Go to the Mall
by Ode2Joy
Summary: Frodo and Sam go on a shopping trip. Will their quest for the latest fashions destroy them? See them battle with evil sales people, bright lights, and over priced clothing! Extremely out there with many Middle Earth cameos.
1. The Journey Begins

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from LOTR. Nor am I in any way affiliated with Old Navy, Delia's or any other franchise found at a shopping center.  
  
Note: "Well, I'm back." Finally. Been suffering from writer's block and general sluggishness ever since Blinding Sun got pulled. Now I'm getting back into the swing of things! YES! I've always loved drawing Frodo and Sam dressed up as girls (as well as the weird look I receive from said doodles) and well.... This story was then spawned. I'd like to warn people that this story contains mild mild mild slash, so if that rocks your boat, don't read. I'd also like to note that if you're not used to writing like a ditzy 13 year old girl, it is extremely hard to do. I hope you all enjoy and please REVIEW!  
  
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"Well, Mr. Frodo! We have finally arrived!" Sam slung his bright turquoise purse over his shoulder.  
  
Frodo stepped out of his and Sam's yellow Volkswagen Beetle and smoothed his hair. "Yes, my Sam, and it's been too long since my last shopping trip! Let us go!"  
  
Frodo and Sam join hands and skip merrily to the front entrance of the spectacular mall.  
  
As soon as they enter, the bright lights and promise of amazing sales confuse them and pull them in different directions. Sam tugged toward Delia's, while Frodo headed for Old Navy. Their joined hands stopped them both short.  
  
"My Sam, Old Navy has the most wonderful work out gear!"  
  
"But Mr. Frodo! Delia's has the latest in fuzzy pants and pretty shirts!"  
  
Frodo put his free hand to his chin, "Well, I suppose I can't argue with fuzzy pants."  
  
They start skipping again toward Delia's and on the way they bump into no one other than Saruman and Gandalf, who were out looking for a Yankees jersey to give Sauron for his birthday.  
  
"Well look who we've got here!" said Gandalf amiably  
  
"Good day, Grampy Gandalf!" greeted Sam.  
  
Gandalf winced at the nickname and Saruman snickered.  
  
"What brings you to the mall on this fine, spring day?" questioned Saruman.  
  
"Samwise and myself need some new spring fashions! These outfits are sooo last age."  
  
"Oh, is that so?"  
  
"Yes, and we must now be on our way. It was nice running into you," Frodo waved and he and Sam continued skipping toward Delia's.  
  
Saruman looked at Gandalf worriedly, "Think we should follow them?"  
  
"No, though I do wish they wouldn't skip and hold hands in public. The Shire Folk had enough trouble getting used to it. Plus, we can't give up on that Matsui jersey! Sauron's birthday is in two weeks and you know how hard it is to find good sports wear!"  
  
Gandalf and Saruman shake their heads and continue walking. 


	2. Bright Lights and Confusion

Disclaimer: See chapter 1.  
  
Note: Thanks to Ivory Tower and nienna-yavetil for the reviews! I draw an intense energy from reviews. Writing this is fun because I just adore destroying every ounce of dignity these characters had. I also decided to include some references to a wonderful animated webcomic known as "Teen Girl Squad". It's something on Homestar Runner. It's so funny that you laugh so hard you wanna puke. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter enough to REVIEW!  
  
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Finally, Frodo and Sam reached Delia's. The colorful and brightly- lit sign above the entrance was enticing. They hurried inside.  
  
Inside, the lights were even brighter and obnoxious pop music blared from the speakers. Frodo clung to Sam as a sales person with a smile even more shiny than the lights walked over and told them about the wonderful sale that make shirts that were over priced to begin with a little less over priced.  
  
Sam smiled and nodded as he dragged Frodo out of harm's way.  
  
"Whew! That was close!" Sam wiped his brow.  
  
"Indeed it was, my Sam. But all this horror must be endured to be sure that we have the latest fashions! Look! There are the fuzzy pants!" Frodo ran as fast as he could to the rack holding the fuzzy pants.  
  
"Oh! Mr. Frodo, that pink would look stunning with your blue eyes!"  
  
"Indeed it would, Samwise! I must try it on!" Frodo tossed the pair of pink pants over his arm with a flourish.  
  
Within a half-hour, Frodo and Sam had 4 salespeople following them around the story carrying all the clothes that they wanted to try one. They paraded into the dressing room.  
  
"My Sam! Does this shirt really go with these pants?"  
  
"Hmmm, I think this light green would go a bit better."  
  
Frodo tried on the pale green halter-top and twirled to get a good look in the mirror, "Sam! This outfit? So good or no good?"  
  
Sam looked up from fiddling with the buttons on a sweater, "SOOOO GOOD!"  
  
Frodo and Sam giggled.  
  
After many more outfits were tried on and rejected, Sam and Frodo settled on 3 ensembles each. Their prized finds were the fuzzy pants and they each bought a pair, Frodo in pink and Sam in yellow. They got matching tops in the same colors. Ohhhh, they were looking fine!  
  
They paid and left the store. Frodo and Sam started arguing again about where to go next when they saw Merry and Pippin walk into a video game store. 


	3. Frodo and Sam meet the gaming industry

Disclaimer: To note, I don't own X-Box or any of its games. In fact, I detest the X-Box. Gamecube all the way!  
  
Note: Enjoy and please REVIEW!  
  
Frodo Sam gasped in delight and ran over to show their friends their finds. They came across Merry browsing through X-Box games and Pippin selecting controllers.  
  
"Merry! Pippin!" Frodo tackled Merry in a hug.  
  
"Get off of me!" Merry struggled from Frodo's death strangle.  
  
"What are you doing here?" asked Sam.  
  
"Getting a game called 'Halo,'" replied Merry.  
  
"Yeah! Gimli told us about these massive tournaments that the Dwarves have. Like 40 of them playing all at once. We wanna start playing with the Hobbits," explained Pippin.  
  
Frodo looked at them as though they were insane, "Why would you want to blow your money on that?"  
  
Pippin sighed and rolled his eyes, "Because it's FUN! Duh!"  
  
Sam whipped out a skirt he bought. "Not as fun as clothes!"  
  
Merry regarded the skirt critically, "Sam, you realize that you are holding a skirt? Men Hobbits don't wear skirts... DUDE! Not even a female Hobbit would wear a skirt that scandalous!"  
  
"I'm a trendsetter!" sneered Sam.  
  
Frodo jumped between Sam and Merry, "Girls! Girls! Can't we settle our differences peacefully?"  
  
Pippin snerked, "He called you a girl, Merry!"  
  
Merry screamed bloody murder and the nerd behind the cashier stand ducked and covered. Merry lunged at Frodo and Sam, but Pippin caught him round the neck.  
  
"You're a filthy whore, Samwise Gamgee! A FILTHY WHORE!"  
  
Pippin clasped a hand over Merry's mouth before he could spew more insults and dragged him to the counter to pay for an X-Box, 4 controllers and Halo.  
  
Frodo tried to comfort Sam, who was holding back tears. "My Sam! He's just in a cranky mood. He doesn't know what he's talking about. And he's jealous of your lovely legs! You're gorgeous!" Frodo patted Sam on the back.  
  
Sam smiled shakily, "You're gorgeous too, Mr. Frodo."  
  
They hugged.  
  
They stood in the doorway as Pippin shoved a still-fuming Merry out of the store. "See you later, guys!" he called on the way out.  
  
Frodo and Sam waved as they disappeared inside the elevator. 


	4. A Different Style

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Note: Sorry this chapter's so short. And, just to letcha know, I don't mean any disrespect to punks. They're a cool folk. Enjoy the story and PLEASE REVIEW!!!

After shopping for so long, Frodo and Sam had worked up quite an appetite.  
  
Sam rubbed his gurgling belly. "Mr. Frodo, I think it might be wise to get some food in us soon."  
  
"But what about Old Navy?!" Frodo immediately asked, doe-eyed.  
  
"After lunch. I promise."  
  
Frodo grabbed Sam's hand, "Then we are off!"  
  
They skipped toward the food court, but Frodo got sidetracked along the way. There was a dark store. Punk rock music blared from inside. Sam snorted, "Mr. Frodo! Those clothes are certainly not your style!"  
  
"Hot... Topic..." the words rolled off of Frodo's tongue.  
  
"Mr. Frodo, that place does not look safe."  
  
"Why not, my Sam?"  
  
"Look at all the people inside. They all are wearing black! And skulls! And chains! And lots of makeup! Even more than me!"  
  
Frodo pointed, "But look! They have shirts with Aragorn on them! And shirts with Legolas dressed up like some fruity pirate! AND JOHNNY DEPP! I WANT THE JOHNNY DEPP SHIRT!" Frodo bolted inside the store.  
  
Sam sighed and followed. Frodo was holding the Johnny Depp shirt up to his torso, trying to figure out his size. He selected a shirt. "Well, my Sam, what do you think?"  
  
"I dunno, Mr. Frodo. That Johnny Depp character is very shady. You never know what he'll do next."  
  
"Yes, and that makes him even more dreamy!" Frodo giggled.  
  
"I.... Um..... I meant that...." Sam stuttered.  
  
Frodo playfully slapped Sam on the arm, "My Sam, you know you're way hotter than Johnny Depp. Now come with me to pay for the shirt."  
  
Frodo crept to the cashier's stand. The Punk behind the counter looked down on him. "Can I help you?"  
  
"I'd like this shirt, please," Frodo squeaked as he gave the shirt to the cashier.  
  
"I'm a big Johnny Depp fan myself. I like how this shirt depicts him!" The Punk opened its black sweater to reveal that it was wearing the same shirt.  
  
"Nice!" complimented Frodo as he handed the Punk some money.  
  
"Thank you! Have a nice day now!" The Punk gave Frodo his change and Frodo and Sam skipped out of the store.  
  
"Well, that was very nice!" said Sam.  
  
"See, My Sam, Johnny Depp brings all sorts of people together! Now let us go get some food!" 


	5. How does he maintain that hair?

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Note to I'm From Tookland: Claire's is a brilliant idea! I already have an outline of what's gonna happen... (psychotic laughter) As for the rest of you, thanks so much for REVIEWING! And I encourage you to continue to do so!  
  
And so Frodo and Sam continued on their arduous journey. They passed all sorts of stores, all of which seemed alluring. But their stomachs were more pressing matters, so they marched onward. Finally, they reached the food court.  
  
"Well, my dear Sam, I don't even know what I shall have to eat! There are so many options!" Frodo gazed in wonder at all the food stands.  
  
Sam put his hand on Frodo's shoulder, "Yes, Mr. Frodo. What do you have a hankerin' for?"  
  
"'Hankerin''?" Frodo raised an eyebrow at Sam, "Since when do you say 'Hankerin''?"  
  
"Since forever. Now, what would you like to eat?"  
  
Frodo surveyed the scene, "Pizza sound good to you?"  
  
Sam grinned, "Perfect, Mr. Frodo."  
  
The ambled over to the Pizza Parlor and approached the counter. Sam speaks to the blond, pointy-eared man preparing pizzas. "We'd like two slices of mushroom.... LEGOLAS?!"  
  
Legolas turned, screamed and dropped the pizza. "What are you doing here?" he hissed.  
  
"We're hungry, what does it look like? The real question is what are YOU doing here?" Frodo said defiantly.  
  
"Blonde hair is not easily maintained. Many hair products contribute to the bounce, shine, and pleasant smell so often associated with my golden locks. And do you know how much money it takes to keep this hair in such good shape? More than my father gives me in weekly allowance, I'll tell you that much."  
  
Elrond popped out of the back room, "Legolas! That pizza is coming out of your salary!"  
  
"But Elrond! The Hobbits! They made me do it! I'm not at fault! I'm an Elf!" Legolas whined.  
  
Elrond groaned, "For the love of Elbereth, if you say that one more time I'll tell everyone about your nose job!"  
  
Legolas gasped, "You can't do that to me, I'm an Elf! You can't strip the Elf of his dignity!"  
  
"Then get back to work! Stop chattering with the customers and give them their pizza!"  
  
Legolas tossed two slices of mushroom pizza on some paper plates and carelessly shoved them at the Hobbits.  
  
"We would like some drinks too, Leggy." Sam said.  
  
Legolas' eye gave an involuntary twitch. "The customer is always right," he mumbled to himself.  
  
"A Coke for me!" said Frodo.  
  
"And a root beer for me!" piped in Sam.  
  
Legolas slammed the drinks down on the counter, "You happy now?!"  
  
Frodo took a sip, "Yup, thanks man!"  
  
Sam tossed some money at Legolas and they found a table to sit and scarf down their pizza.


	6. A new experience for Sam

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I don't own Frodo or Sam, I don't own Care Bears and I don't own those stupid purses that say "Mrs. Timberlake" on them.  
  
Note: Thanks to I'm From Tookland for recommending this idea! I actually went to Claire's in the past few days to find stuff to include in this chapter. And also to Blonde Archer: I like your idea! I'll try to use that in the next chapter. Thanks so much to everyone else who has been reviewing. Tip of the hat to Veerle especially. PLEASE KEEP REVIEWING!  
  
Frodo and Sam tossed their sauce smothered Styrofoam plates into the trash and again began to skip through the mall, sipping their sodas as they went. A store decorated primarily in pink grabbed their attention.  
  
"Claire's?" Sam looked at Frodo questioningly.  
  
"Never heard of it, but look! They have a whole bunch of Care Bear stuff!" Frodo flung his bags over his shoulder in a roguish way and waltzed into the store.  
  
Their senses were immediately assaulted by the pop/techno music and the many different light sources. Frodo squinted as he made his way to the Care Bear merchandise. He picked up an orange one and squeezed it. It said, "I love you!" in a horrendous electronic voice. Frodo shuddered and replaced it on the shelf. He moved onto some makeup kits. Sam watched over Frodo's shoulder for a few seconds, then moved onto a display for body jewelry.  
  
Sam stared at the display, ensnared by the shiny jewels and spiky decorations on the belly button rings. He lifted his shirt a tad, and stared at his belly button. He could do it... He WOULD do it! But first he had to pick out the perfect piece of belly jewelry.  
  
Meanwhile, Frodo was still doting over the makeup display. He reached for a case full of body glitter and eye shadow, just to see a grubby little hand with chipped nail polish snatch it from his grasp. Frodo turned and was face to face with a ten-year-old girl.  
  
"HEY! I was gonna buy that! It's the last one left!" Frodo put his hands on his hips.  
  
"It's mine! You snooze you lose, shorty!" the little girl wiped her nose on her sleeve.  
  
Frodo noticeably cringed. "Now, little girl, you're too young for adult makeup like that. Maybe you should give it to someone a little older than you..." Frodo slowly reached for the makeup case.  
  
The little girl clutched the case to her chest and hissed at Frodo. Frodo let out a girlish shriek and jumped backwards.  
  
The girl smirked at him and moseyed to the register to pay for the makeup.  
  
Frodo growled and shuffled over to a rack of purses, all sporting phrases like "Mrs. Timberlake", or "Mrs. Kutcher", or "I love Brad!" Frodo started sorting through them frantically, looking for a purse that said, "Mrs. Gamgee". He found no such purse.  
  
"Well I never!" Frodo threw down a "Mrs. Pitt" purse. Then he ripped a "Mrs. Timberlake" purse off the shelf and spat in it. Then put it back in place. He nodded in satisfaction.  
  
Eventually, Frodo made his way over to Sam. "Well, my Sam, what are you up to?"  
  
"Mr. Frodo, what do you think? The pink jewel, or the sandal?" Sam holds up the two belly rings.  
  
"My Sam? When did you get your belly button pierced?"  
  
"I haven't yet Mr. Frodo. But I will! I just need to pick a spike of metal to put there!"  
  
"Well, in that case, Hobbits don't wear shoes, it would be a disgrace to wear one on your belly! I say the pink jewel! It's so shiny..." Frodo's eyes got all big and sparkly.  
  
"Then it is decided!" Sam picked up the pink jeweled belly button ring and approached the register. "I'd like to have my belly button pierced, please!"  
  
The woman behind the counter looked down on him, "Sir, we have to warn you that body piercing is not a specialty of ours. We mostly do ears."  
  
Sam grinned at her, "Eh, it's all mostly the same! Hook me up!"  
  
The woman shrugged, "Okay, Sir, whatever."  
  
The woman took Sam's hand and led him to a seat. She whipped out some rubbing alcohol and a rather large needle. Sam's eyes got all wide. Frodo grabbed his hand. "It's okay, My Sam. It'll all be over soon! And then you'll have a sparkly hangin' from your belly!"  
  
Sam steeled himself for the pain of the piercing and before he knew what happened, that woman had shoved a needle through his gut. Sam let out a scream that shattered a poor bystander's glasses. Soon enough, the belly button ring was in place and Sam was admiring himself in the mirror.  
  
"Well Mr. Frodo, I'm quite glad I bought that belly shirt earlier! And it's pink! What a wonderful coincidence!  
  
Frodo again clasped Sam's hand. "It is a wonderful coincidence! Let us go!" 


	7. Satin and Lace

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
Note: Dear Elbereth this one got weird (kinda pervy too). I tried my best to be candid and not draw too much attention to what they were actually doing. Sorry it's so short, but drawing it out would have been a mistake. And I apologize in advance for the long section written in caps. It was a necessary measure. Thanks to Blonde Archer for suggesting this idea. And PLEASE REVIEW!  
  
"So, my Sam, I was thinking that with all these new clothes, we would want some sexy undergarments to go with them," Frodo said slyly.  
  
Sam raised his eyebrows, "Why, Mr. Frodo!"  
  
"I was just sayin'. Look! There's a store with silky undies! We really should buy some. They could match our outfits!" Frodo pointed to Victoria's Secret.  
  
Sam looked at all the lace in the display case and just couldn't say no, "Alright, Mr. Frodo. Let's go for it."  
  
They walked into the store and started to browse. A sales woman came up to them. "Are you looking for something for your girlfriends?"  
  
Frodo laughed out loud, "No, ma'am, we're looking for something for ourselves."  
  
The woman stuttered, "Sir, you are aware this establishment only services women?"  
  
Sam plucked at a bright purple bra, "That's never really stopped us before."  
  
The woman's eyes got really wide, "Sirs, I think I'm going to have to ask you to leave."  
  
"Well I never! That is sexual discrimination! I will not stand for this injustice!" Frodo climbed onto the counter and started screaming at the top of his lungs. "MEN OF THE MALL! AN INJUSTICE HAS BEEN SERVED ON THIS DAY. THIS SALESWOMAN IS TAKING AWAY OUR RIGHT TO DRESS LIKE WOMEN. SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW UNCOMFORTABLE MEN'S UNDERGARMENTS CAN BE! HAS SHE EVER HAD TO WEAR TIGHTY WHITIES? HAS SHE HAD TO STRUGGLE TO KEEP HER BOXER SHORTS HIDDEN FROM SIGHT IN THIS DAY AND AGE WHERE THE STYLE IS TO SHOW THEM OFF?! I BELIEVE THAT SHE HAS NOT! WHY IS IT ONLY WOMEN WHO CAN ENJOY THE SILKY SMOOTHNESS OF SATIN PANTIES? WHY IS IT THAT ONLY THEY CAN ENJOY THE WONDERFUL FEEL OF LACE ON THEIR SKIN? THE TIME IS NOW, MY BROTHERS! REVOLT AND REAP THE BENEFITS OF LADY'S UNDERWEAR!"  
  
Frodo began to pump his fist in the air, only to be swiftly removed from the counter by a security guard. "Sorry, son, but you're causing quite a scene."  
  
"Unhand me, you ape!" Frodo struggled.  
  
Sam too was being led off by another security guard. They were dragged kicking and screaming to the Security Office.  
  
The guard that was carrying Frodo dropped him into a chair. He motioned for Sam to take a seat and for the other security guard to exit. As soon as they were alone, the guard spoke, "Now, boys, you caused quite a commotion over there."  
  
"I know, Sir, but Mr. Frodo was correct. It is unfair!"  
  
The guard blushed and pulled up his shirt. He grabbed his underwear from the waist of his pants. Low and behold, the big burly man was wearing hot pink silk undies. "It is unfair. But, us guys have to work hard for this luxury. Since I feel your pain, I'll let you off with a warning. If you make any more trouble, I'm afraid I'll have to kick you out. And next time you want lady's underwear, just say you're getting it for you girl friends."  
  
Frodo was astounded, "Thank you, kind sir!" He and Sam shook hands with the security guard. Then continued on their journey. 


	8. Fiber Optics and Insanity

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

Note: Finally got this one to work. It was really hard because I was trying to top the last chapter. Then I realized it just couldn't be done so I did what I could with what I had. I need more store ideas because I don't want them to leave the mall yet. Maybe I'll put them in Sephora or something... Meh. Anyways, enjoy and PLEASE REVIEW.

Frodo and Sam walked boldly from the security office. They strolled by the Victoria's Secret, noses in the air. They didn't need _their_ ladie's undies. They made a beeline for Old Navy when florescent lights started to nag at their vision.

"Spencers..." Sam looked inquisitively at the store, "Have you ever heard of it, Mr. Frodo?"

"No, I haven't. But look! Fiber optics!" Frodo ran inside, his Hobbit feet slapping against the floor as his many shopping bags flopped against his legs.

Sam followed hesitantly, something didn't feel right about this place, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

Frodo was staring doe-eyed at one of those fiber optic bush-like thingies. The colored light suddenly changed from blue to orange and he ooo-ed and aah-ed. Sam shook his head and began exploring the shelves.

Rude bumper stickers, tikis and action figures sent him on somewhat of a sensory overload and he stumbled into a dark corner...

Meanwhile Frodo had moved onto one of those crystal balls that have the energy coming out of the center, and when you put your finger on the glass, the energy merges into one big bolt and follows your finger around. Frodo kept giggling and putting his finger to the glass.

Sam started to regain his bearings in the dark corner as his eyes adjusted. He stared at the shelves above him and saw... MR. FRODO STARING RIGHT BACK. A doll fashioned in Frodo's likeness was grinning madly and scaring the bajeezus out of Sam. Sam screamed the fell backwards... onto a display of sixteen-inch Legolas action figures. He fell flat to the floor and came face to face with an Aragorn poster. "WHAT'S HAPPENING?!" he cried.

Frodo heard the anguished cries of Sam and ran to help him. He grabbed him by the arm and forcefully led him out of the store. "Sam! We can't afford to make scenes like that!"

"The horror... THE HORROR!" Sam fell to the floor, sobbing.

Frodo rolled his eyes, "What did you see, dear?"

"YOU! And Aragorn! And Leggy!"

Frodo made a crazy signal around his skull as he looked at the other shoppers.

"I swear, Mr. Frodo! They were there!"

"Sure they were, Sam," Frodo put his arm around Sam's shoulders, "Let's get you to Old Navy."


	9. Perfume Monkey

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

Note: It has been four long months since I have updated, and for that I apologize profusely! I've missed writing this so much, unfortunately with this new school schedule that has no classes I can goof off in (and thus write this story), it has had to wait until Christmas break! Well, to make it up to all you people who have most likely given up on this story, I've made this chappie extra long. Special thanks to my dear friend, "Charles", who gave me this idea. And to the Beatles, who were singing "Revolution" to me for the past 40 minutes as I typed this. Enjoy and PLEASE REVIEW!

* * *

"Comon, Sam. We can get to Old Navy faster if we cut through this department store," Frodo grabbed Sam by the hand and yanked him toward the giant store.

A woman stood at the door like a sentry. She stopped Frodo, "Excuse me, Sir, but would you like to sample our new fragrance?"

Without waiting for an answer she drenched Frodo in a musky smelling liquid. Frodo's eyes immediately started tearing and Sam clasped his hands over his nose and mouth.

"Dear Eru, woman! What is that slime you have coated me with?"

The woman looked shocked, "You don't like it, sir?"

Frodo coughed, "I smell like a yak in heat!"

"Well! That will never do!" The woman seized Frodo by the arm, "Let us go to the perfume section! You shall smell like a queen by the time I'm done with you."

Frodo's eyes got real big as the woman pulled him into the store.

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam ran after him.

* * *

"Soooo, Aragorn, how's the wife and kids?" Éowyn started giggling.

"Shut up. Just shut up," Aragorn said disgustedly.

Suddenly Aragorn's cell phone started to ring. The ringtone was the Fellowship theme. He sighed and picked it up, "Hi, Honey…work…yes, I'll pick up some milk…and Oreos… love you too…bye."

Éowyn burst out laughing and made the "whipped" noise.

"I told you to shut up!"

"Remember you could have had a shield maiden as opposed to a prissy, high-matainence elf!"

Aragorn stuttered, "Well! You're stuck with a self-pitying wimp of a husband!"

Éowyn laughed again, "And I love it! He's like a one-man show. Every time he breaks down in tears it is quite the event!"

Éowyn continued laughing merrily for a while, and then froze. A troubled look passed over her face. "I sense evil."

Aragorn sniffed the air. He winced. The smell of that Eru-awful perfume invaded his nostrils.

"It's not evil, just the perfume."

"No! I can feel it!"

They heard a voice from around the corner…

"SAM! Help! I don't want to wear the perfume!"

Aragorn's face fell, "I can hear the evil now…"

The woman who was guarding the door was tugging Frodo toward the perfume counter. He was struggling madly, and Sam was trying to take out the woman's knees with one of the hangers he had previously secured from Delia's.

Frodo was screaming, "I told you, I don't want to wear your crappy perfume! Unhand me this instant!"

The perfume woman looked down at him, dangling by his wrist from her hand, "Sir, if the customer is not satisfied I have not been doing my job!"

Frodo sneered, "I'd be plenty satisfied if you loosened your death grip, perfume monkey!"

The woman gasped and just thrust him toward the perfume counter, "He's your responsibility now." She tossed her hair and returned to her post at the store's entrance.

"Frodo was coughing and Sam was patting him on the back, "I demand that you remove this horrid scent from my being immediately!

Sam looked up to confirm that his Mr. Frodo was serious and then noticed who exactly it was that they were dealing with. "Éowyn! Aragorn! Help Mr. Frodo! Please!"

Éowyn groaned and ran her hand over her face, "Something told me to call in sick today. Just pretend that Faramir tried to burn himself alive again in remorse and take a day off. But NOOOOOO, I decided to come today. WHY?!" She smashed her head against the counter.

Aragorn's eyes were streaming because of the scent, "Éowyn, what's the cure for this perfume again?"

Éowyn kept her face down on the counter, "Baths. And lots of them."

Frodo and Sam's eyes lit up and Aragorn just shuddered.

"Isn't there a neutralizer or something?"

Éowyn lifted her head from the counter and started to scan the shelves. She settled on a pink bottle.

"See if this masks the scent," she tossed it to Aragorn. He missed and it shattered on the floor. Éowyn sighed and picked up the phone. "Clean up in perfume. Quickly, please." She got another bottle of the same perfume and walked it over to Aragorn, handing it to him gently. He glared at her due to her condescending manner and snatched it from her hand.

Aragorn pointed the bottle at Frodo and proceeded to mist him from his curly head to his hairy feet. Once the cloud of pink perfume cleared, the evil smell seemed to have left Frodo.

Sam sniffed Frodo delicately, "You smell of daisies, Mr. Frodo!"

Frodo inhaled deeply, "I dare say I do, Sam!"

Sam grabbed Aragorn's hand in both of his and shook it heartily, "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

"Thank you both!" Frodo said, nodding to Aragorn and Éowyn.

Éowyn brushed them off. Aragorn tried to reply but his cell phone went off again. Both Frodo and Sam knew what this meant and made the "whipped" noise. Aragorn growled at them and Éowyn burst out laughing.

As Frodo and Sam left the department store, they saw Gimli in a janitor's uniform dragging a bucket and mop toward the perfume counter. They ran laughing back into the mall.


End file.
